伊战士兵Scott Ostrom

Brian Scott Ostrom cups his hand over his mouth as he tries to calm a panic attack at his apartment in Boulder on May 2, 2011. Scott says it's been hard to find meaning in his life since 2007, when he was honorably discharged from the United States Marine Corps. #

图为Scott Ostrom以手掩口，试图从疼痛中平静下来。Scott说，自2007年退役后，他已很难再找到生活的意义。

Scott drives to a Boulder bar to meet his girlfriend on April 30, 2011. The stitches in his neck were from his attempted suicide earlier in the week after the couple had an argument. "It spiraled out of control. ... I was so full of rage and resentment. I was mad at myself. I was in flight-or-fight mode. Since I'm a Marine, there is no flight mode. ItŐs fight ... itŐs kill, kill, kill. Well, IŐm not going to kill (her)," he said. Scott said he believes every combat vet struggling with PTSD has a contingency plan. "Every one of us has a suicide plan. We all know how to kill, and we all have a plan to kill ourselves." #

2011年4月30日，Scott开车去见他的女友，这周早些时候这对情侣发生了一次争吵，之后他试图自杀，脖子上的伤痕仍清晰可见。
“一切失去了控制，我突然就充满愤怒和怨恨，我疯了，进入了战争中的状态，它让我去杀、杀、杀。而我并不想杀死她。”Scott说每一位患上创伤后压力心理障碍症的人都有自杀倾向，
“我们都知道如何杀戮，我们都有一个杀死自己的计划。”

Scott counts the stitches in his wrist while having a drink at a bar in Boulder after his suicide attempt. Scott said many times he should have died overseas, and during the fight with his girlfriend, she agreed. "I just grabbed a pair of scissors. ... I just tried jabbing them into my neck, but they were closed, so I just gave myself a nice laceration. So, I grabbed a nice kitchen knife and cut my wrists," Scott said. #

Scott Ostrom细数割腕后的缝针数。他说，在国外的时候他几经死亡。回国后，在与女友的一次争执中，他用剪刀刺颈自        杀失败，之后用刀割腕，留下了手腕上的伤疤。

Veterans, from left, Richard Byrd, Robert Himber and Nick Watson talk with Scott after hiking Green Mountain in Boulder on April 16, 2011. The hike was led by Veterans Expeditions, which aims to help struggling veterans adjust to being home, and to balance their lives. Scott said later he appreciated his conversation with Himber, who is a Vietnam veteran. They talked about a friend of Scott's who was killed in Iraq. Scott often thinks about the "brothers" he served with. "I miss quite a few of those guys. They were all good guys, and there is no replacement for them. ... What you share with those people is stronger than most all the other bonds. One thing thatŐs great about having been a Marine is IŐve got friends wherever I go." #

Losing control during a panic attack, Scott punches the bedroom door at his apartment on May 2, 2011. He said his anxiety was brought on by a conversation with his girlfriend, who moved all of her belongings out earlier that day. Scott said she also took some of his things, including his anti-anxiety and sleep-aid medication. "She took all my s--- ... my meds ... bunch of my military s---. I hold that stuff very dear to my heart,Ó he said. "IŐm not going to be able to sleep tonight -Đ IŐm not going to get over this panic attack.Ó #

2011年5月2日，又一次情绪失控，Scott用力捶打房门。他说他的愤怒来自她女友刚将所有东西搬出了他的公寓，他说她还带走了一些属于他的东西，包括他的抗焦虑药物和安眠药。“她带走了我所有的药，和一些军队时的东西——那些是我的一切”，他说，“我今晚睡不着了，我要努力平静下来。”

Scott is comforted by a friend during an argument with his girlfriend over the phone. Sitting on the bed, he started crying, later comparing the relationship to the stress of combat. "Sometimes I get into fights. It's not a talking thing for me. I handle it like a Marine, like it's a combat situation," Scott said. "Being diagnosed with PTSD is an interesting thing. ... It means I have nightmares every night. It means I'm hyper-vigilant -- means I'm weird about noises in the middle of the night and lock my doors. It means I have no fuse and if I get attacked, I'm going to kill. ... I don't want to feel this way." #

Scott Ostrom与女友在电话中吵架，他的友人在一旁安慰。之后他坐在床上开始痛哭

“有时我会失控，就像进入战斗状态。被诊断为PTSD是件有趣的事……它意味着我每晚都会做恶梦，意味着我会过度警觉，夜晚一点声音都会让我发疯……我会锁上房间的门。它也意味着我毫无承受力，一旦我受到伤害就想立即反击……我不想这样……”

After punching a hole in his apartment door four times, Scott stands in his living room. "My PTSD comes from long exposure to combat trauma," Scott said. "I think it comes from the fact that I survived. That wasn't my plan. It's an honor to die for my country, but I made it home." #

第四次打烂自己的房门后,Scott站在房间中央

“我想PTSD来自一个事实：我活了下来。这并不是我想要的，为国家而死是种荣耀，但我却回到了家里。”

Scott arrives over an hour early for an appointment at the VA Medical Center in Denver on May 4, 2011. Concerned he'd developed a heart condition, Scott said he hoped to receive a stress test but doubted they'd perform one. "IŐve got an hour. ... I just know it's going to be a pain in the a--. It always is." He decided to go for a walk and take photos. Photography was part of his training as a reconnaissance man in the Marines and, upon his return, it became a hobby. He passed by an older vet wearing a Marine cap. Scott said, "You see the older veterans. They just look at you, but you know what they're thinking. I had one guy tell me: 'Well, I fought in a real war.' " #

Scott reacts to his apartment application being turned down in Westminster on May 6, 2011. The leasing manager said he was sorry but couldn't allow Scott to move in because of an assault charge on his background check. Before the meeting, Scott said he wanted to get away from his troubled life in Boulder. "This new start is a good thing. I'm really excited about it. I hope he has good news for me. It's far away from everything." #

2011年5月6日，Scott申请入住新公寓被拒绝了，租赁经理说他非常抱歉，但在做背景调查时发现Scott有攻击倾向。之前Scott的说想离开现在居住的地方，重新开始，希望租赁经理会给他带来好消息，带他远离一切。

Scott looks over his military service records and weeps after the leasing manager leaves the room. Though Scott had his honorable discharge papers and his good-conduct medal, he said they meant nothing. "I'm not a criminal. You would think this would be worth something. It should be. It's not, though." He tossed the papers across the table. As Scott got up to leave, the manager apologized and said, "Thank you for service." Scott went outside and muttered, "Thank you for your service. ... thank you for your f------ service.Ó #

租赁经理离开房间后，Scott翻看他的服役记录和在部队中获得的各种荣誉证明，他说这什么都没用，“我不是个罪犯，你也许会认为这些文件会表明一些什么，但它们毫无用处。”离开房间时，租赁经理道歉并说“谢谢你为国家所付出的”，Scott低声重复“谢谢你所付出……谢谢你所付出”。

Scott takes Klonopin for a panic attack as he arrives with his dog, Jibby, at the VA Medical Center to seek care for a sprained wrist later in the day. He hurt his wrist at a jujutsu class for combat veterans the day before. Upon entering the crowded emergency room, Scott was told it would be at least a three- to four-hour wait. #

Scott在一次恐慌症状发作后服用药物，今天他和他的狗Jibby前往佛吉尼亚医疗中心治疗在柔术课程中扭伤的手腕。在去拥挤的急症中心登记后，他被告之至少需要等待3-4小时。

Cigarette in hand, Scott sits on the back of his truck after leaving the ER. He followed a recommendation to go to the ER at Boulder Community Hospital instead, where the wait should be shorter. He continued to stew over what the leasing manager said to him earlier in the day. "'Thanks for your service ... thanks for your service ... now go f--- yourself.' That's what I hear. 'Welcome home.' That's all that should be said. Don't thank me. I'm not protecting you from being attacked. ... I'm securing your leaders' wealth and their children's trust funds. War secures assets and makes people rich." #

香烟在手，Scott坐在他卡车的后面，准备离开急症中心，他决定去另一家医院，在那里等待的时间会短一些。他还在想租赁经理跟他说的话，“谢谢你为国家所做的”，去死吧，真正该说的话应是“欢迎回家”，他说。不用谢我，我并没有保护你们免受袭击，我只是在保护那些领导人的安全和他们孩子的信托基金，战争使那些人更富有。

Scott and Jibby enter their new apartment in Broomfield on May 11, 2011. "I decided to move because there were too many bad memories at that apartment. I was arrested twice, there's blood all over the bathroom floor, it was small, it was loud." He sat on the floor of his new apartment, relaxed. "I make the rules here. I control who visits me. I have room here. I feel like I'm getting a fresh start. I don't hear a thing. This is peace and quiet. This is what I need." Scott said his life before Iraq was normal. "I was so different. I was a normal high school kid. Then I joined the Marines. ... I learned a lot of lessons really fast. ... But when I got out, I let all that go. I adapted to my new environment. I let my hair grow. I started smoking pot. I adapted. I was adapting well, but now I feel like the black sheep." #

2011年5月11日，Scott和他的狗搬入了新公寓。“过去的公寓里有太多不好的回忆，在那里我被捕过两次，浴室地板上都是血迹，那座公寓太小，也太吵”，他坐在新公寓的地板上，觉得很放松，“而在这里我给自己制定了规矩，我要决定谁可以来这里，我觉得我有了一个新的开始，这里很安静，这是我所需要的。”他说在加入陆战队之前他只是个普通的小孩，“在海军陆战队我学了很多东西，我需要去适应环境，开始抽大麻，留长发……”

A picture of Scott holding his little brother after graduating boot camp at Paris Island, S.C., in June 2003 hangs on the refrigerator at Scott's new apartment. "I was happy after boot camp. I knew I was going to do something. My parents were proud of me." He talked about why he signed up. "I had just totaled my truck. É I was like, 'Do I really want to take the bus to work every day for $10 an hour and live in a crappy apartment?' I was going to end up in jail or doing drugs. So instead of going to work one day, I just took the bus to the recruiting station." Scott said he was not aware of the looming war in Iraq when he signed up. "I was 18 years old. I didn't watch the news. ... I didn't care. I just wanted to do something." #

这张照片拍摄于2003年7月，Scott从新兵训练营结业，抱着他的弟弟。“训练结业让我很高兴，我知道我将要去做些什么了，我的父母为我骄傲。”在谈到为什么要入伍时他说，“我不想过着每天工作每小时挣10美元的日子，于是我去了征兵站。”他当时并不知道伊拉克正在发生什么，“我只有18岁，我不看新闻……当时我什么都不在乎，只想做点什么。”

Scott smokes a joint at his apartment. He was thinking about the war and began speaking in mid-thought. "That's what makes it so devastating. I had no control over that. That's why war sucks. It doesn't matter how good a soldier you are, just don't be in the wrong place. I can't believe I used to maka maka people," a term he uses for killing. Scott doesn't like the side effects of the medications the VA prescribed him. "Those medicines werenŐt addressing the issue itself and honestly didn't work for me. ... I am going to get better. I want to get better. But right now, that is not the case. And what I do in the mean time to help with these problems is I use cannabis Đ- I sleep better, and I don't have side effects from it." #

Scott在新公寓中抽烟。

Scott stops by his old apartment to pick up his mail, which he reads in his parked truck on May 15, 2011. "Bill; can't pay you ... bill; can't pay you. Oh, yellow envelope. Yellow envelopes are never good." When he opened it, he found a letter from the VA, saying it increased his disability: "Evaluation of post-traumatic stress disorder; with associated generalized anxiety disorder; mood disorder, NOS; and alcohol abuse in remission, which is currently 50 percent disabling, is increased to 70 percent effective January 21, 2011." #

2011年5月15日，Scott回到他的老公寓收邮件，然后坐在车里拆开阅读，“没法付的账单……又一张没法付的账单……哦，黄色信封，黄色信封一直都装着坏消息”，打开后发现是医院寄来的，上面说他的症状正在加重。

Scott talks with his attorney, Christopher Griffin, after a court appearance at the Boulder County Justice Center on June 16, 2011. Scott had been charged with third-degree assault but ultimately pleaded guilty to harassment. A violation of a protection order was dismissed, and he pleaded guilty to driving while ability impaired. Griffin said he was greatly concerned for soldiers returning from war. "We send these kids off to war -- we make them see things people otherwise wouldn't have to see. Then we expect them to come back and behave like the rest of us. It's breaking my heart, and we have to do something about it. As far as criminal justice goes, we need to look at these people differently." #

2011年7月16日，一次开庭后Scott在跟他的律师交谈，Scott被控斗殴，最终判决认定他当时行为能力受损。他的律师Griffin说他能理解这些从战场回来的士兵们，“我们把孩子们送去战场，我们让他们看到永远不该看到的东西，却又希望他们回来很好的融入我们。”

After a sleepless night, Scott stands at his window as he waits for his girlfriend to pick up all her things on May 24, 2011. He had rekindled the relationship and regretted it. "There's no winning. I can't walk out of the situation. ... I feel like I'm constantly in combat," he said. He recalls his marriage before his second deployment to Iraq. "They told us it was going to be serious. And I thought I want to get married before I die. So I found this girl, fell in love." Ultimately the relationship added more stress to his time at war, "I found out that the girl I fell in love with and married was sleeping with a professor." #

2011年5月24日，经过一个无眠之夜，Scott站在窗前等女友来取回属于她的东西。在第二次被派去伊拉克之前，他结了婚，“我想在死之前结婚，于是我找到了这个姑娘，并爱上了她”，但这次婚姻却让他在伊拉克压力更大，“我发现我所爱上并与之结婚的这个姑娘睡在了一位教授的床上。”

During their breakup Scott tries to leave his apartment as his girlfriend seizes his glasses. "She steals my glasses because I can't see without them. She antagonizes me. She does it to push my buttons, but I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to hit her." As soon as she entered, she immediately began carrying things to her car. "I dated this girl for almost two years, and it was the most tumultuous relationship I have ever had in my life. It was the closest thing that got me back to the levels of stress I had in combat," Scott said. #

Scott watches as his girlfriend struggles to carry his Tempur-Pedic mattress from his apartment. She'd arrived to pick up her belongings but was taking his bed because she said she paid for it. After a 15-minute struggle with the heavy mattress, she gave up and left in a rage. He said the relationship was exactly what he needed at that time in his life. "I needed someone to affirm the way I felt about myself. ... I felt like if I stayed with that person long enough and received enough punishment, then I have in some way sought redemption for my actions overseas in Iraq." #

Scott看着女友将床垫搬出屋子，她带走了所有的东西，也想带走这张床垫，因为她说她为之付了钱。在跟沉重的床垫折腾了15分钟后，她放弃了，离开了屋子。

Scott works on building a fire while camping with Jibby on the Ceran St. Vrain Trail north of Boulder on May 26, 2011. Scott spent the weekend in the woods. "Memorial Day weekend always means a great deal to me now that I'm out of the service. It feels good to be in a space this big and feel as safe as I do. I feel so safe out here. If anything bad were to happen, I would know exactly what to do. I can't say that about daily life. I need to make peace with myself. I know I can get better. I will make peace." #

2011年5月26日，Scott在野外露营圣火，整个周末他都在野外度过。“阵亡将士纪念日周末对我来说总是美好的，因为这意味着我不在服役了。开阔的空间会让我感到安全，野外无论发生什么情况我都知道如何去应对，而在正常的日常生活里我却做不到这样。”

Scott looks at the sky before going to sleep. Scott recalled his worst day during his time in Iraq. "We got this infantry platoon attached to us to beef up our numbers. ... There was this one guy, and I knew right away that we were going to be friends. ... The vehicle he was riding in the passenger seat hit a really big bomb that day - really big IED, and it trapped him inside the humvee, and I got to listen to and watch him scream as he burned. And I never learned his name. There was nothing I could do. ... I lost a friend that I never had." #

Scott在入睡前看着夜空，他回忆起在伊拉克最糟的一天。“有个步兵排加入到我们的队伍中，其中有个家伙，我想我应该能和他成为很好的朋友。那天他所乘坐的悍马遭到一个超大的炸弹袭击，他被困在车里，我看着他在燃烧，听到他的尖叫。我都不知道他的名字，我什么都做不了……我失去了一个还没有得到的朋友。”

Scott plays fetch with Jibby while camping on May 27, 2011. "She's like a daughter to me," he said. Scott spent a lot of time with Jibby and has credited her with saving his life. "For me Jibby is very therapeutic. ... Sometimes I feel like a burden when I unload my emotions on friends, but Jibby's always there, regardless of what mood I'm in. She's a really happy dog, and keeping her happy really keeps me sane." #

2011年5月27日，Scott跟他的狗Jibby一起玩耍。“她就像我的女儿”，Scott每天花很多时间跟它玩，他说Jibby救了他的命，“它对我的病症很有疗效，有时我会对朋友们发泄情绪，但Jibby永远在那，无论我处于什么情绪之中。它是一只非常快乐的狗，她的快乐能让我保持清醒。”

Resting in his hammock, Scott reads "The Catcher in the Rye." He said he's read it countless times and that it's the perfect book for camping. "I like Holden Caulfield because he's tangential. He lives in his own head. I can relate to that, I guess." #

躺在吊床上，Scott在读《麦田里的守望者》，他说这是一本完美的书，他看过无数遍。

Jibby waits as Scott hitchhikes on May 28, 2011. Scott said he wasn't excited about returning to daily life after camping. "Society reminds me of war. Being out here and being self-reliant is uplifting. Just knowing that I'm responsible for my own fate feels good. ... It's at the core of every man. We gotta be outside -- we can't be locked in a box." #

2011年5月28日，Scott和狗在路边等着搭便车。结束露营回到正常的社会关系并不让他感到快乐，“社会关系让我想起战争。而在野外的感觉很好，只要负责自己命运的感觉很好。”

Scott looks through ties at Nordstrom Rack in Boulder on May 31, 2011, as he gets ready for his first day of training for a job at the Cheesecake Factory. "It's just the Cheesecake Factory, but I hope I don't blow up on a customer. I'm worried about what people will think about me. ... I don't want them to point me out and say, 'This guy doesn't belong here.' ... I don't know if my anxiety is normal or not. It's a new job, so it's probably normal. I'm a hard worker. I have a good work ethic. I can multitask. I can lead. I just hope my personal life doesn't interfere." He quit his job three months later because of just that. #

Scott drinks a beer outside a VFW Post in Longmont on June 21, 2011, after a phone conversation with a VFW employee turned ugly. He wanted to finish the disagreement in person, but by the time he arrived, the bar had closed. He wanted to have a drink among fellow veterans but instead drank alone in the parking lot. #

Scott stares at the fish tank at his apartment. He says caring for the fish gives him a purpose. "I need something to take care of. It gives me some responsibility. That way I can't run around being too self-destructive," he said. "I get to feed them, I control their environment, and I try to keep them alive and happy. It's cool; I have my own little world, planet. They'll pay me back for it one day, I know it." #

Scott看着他的鱼缸，照顾这群鱼给了他一个生活的理由。“他们需要关爱，这给了我一些责任感，让我不能走向自我毁灭。我可以给他们喂食，改变他们生活的环境，试图让他们生活得快乐。我有了自己的小世界，我想他们有一天会报答我的。”

Scott plays Call of Duty: Black Ops with an old neighbor, Caleb Trowbridge, at his apartment on June 28, 2011. Scott was home sick from work. Playing the war game, he said: "If there was a game just like war, I wouldn't play it. It would be endless boredom interrupted by random moments of intense violence. ... You're bored out of your mind, then you're as busy as you're ever going to be. No video game could ever come close. "You pay 60 bucks for a game, and then the first time you play it, you get shot and killed, you die, everything goes black and the game stops working." #

Scott watches an evening storm roll in outside his apartment on July 27, 2011. "I'm just feeling guilty about the things I did. I was a brutal killer, and I rejoiced in it. I was bred to be a killer, and I did it. Now I'm trying to adapt and feel human again. But to feel human, I feel guilty. I did horrible things to people, just to be evil. That's why I can't eat: I feel guilty, I feel sick." #

2011年7月27日，Scott看着闪电划过夜空。“我为做过的事感到内疚。我是一个凶残的杀手，当时我很快乐，我被培育成一名杀手，我做到了。现在我想重新成为普通人，去感受人类的情绪，但这样我就感到了内疚。我做了非常恐怖的事情，这就是为什么我吃不下东西，我感到内疚，我觉得难过。”

Jibby and Scott lay on the floor of his apartment on Aug. 12, 2011. Scott said he was exhausted, and then went quiet and motionless. Eventually he broke the silence and said, "I'm tired of having bad f------ dreams. I can't take a nap because I'll feel worse. I fall asleep, but it doesn't make it better. Everybody says, 'With time, with time it will all go away.' So I'm waiting." He got up, smoked a cigarette, made coffee and complained about the dirty dishes and his messy apartment. Just as he started cleaning, he said, "I don't have the motivation to do this s---. I don't have any motivation." Scott returned to the spare room, smoked some pot and pulled out his journal from Iraq. While he read, he laughed hard. Then shortly after his burst of laughter, he verged on tears. He put the journal aside and laid back down, Jibby joining him. #

2011年8月12日，Scott和他的狗躺在公寓地板上，他说他很累不想动。“我讨厌噩梦，我不想睡觉，因为那样我会感觉更糟。人们总是说，随着时间过去慢慢会好起来，所以我在等。”他爬起来，抽烟，喝咖啡，开始清洗脏了的盘子和混乱的房间，但刚洗了几个盘子，他说我没理由做这些。于是走回房间，开始抽大麻，拿出在伊拉克时的日记读。突然他大笑，随后开始痛哭。他把日记收起来重新躺下，他的狗Jibby陪在身边。

Scott talks with Marine Sgt. Dean Sanchez of the Wounded Warrior Regiment on their way to find a suit for Scott's upcoming trip to Washington, D.C., on Sept. 13, 2011. Scott was invited by the Sierra Club's Military and Veterans Affairs coordinator to represent the organization during Great Outdoors America Week. "Sanchez was instrumental in saving my life," Scott said. "When he couldn't help me, he put me in touch with the people that could. ... Sanchez is there to make me proud to be a Marine. He doesn't let me forget where I came from." #

Scott laughs with Sanchez while shopping at JC Apparel Industries in Denver. The owner, also a former Marine, sold Scott a suit for cost. "There's a lot of people that care about me right now," Scott said. "I can't thank them enough. I have a lot of generous friends -- people that talk to me. They listen to me cry. A lot of good friends." #

Scott laughs with fellow Marine veteran Chris Fesmire, left, and U.S. Sen. Michael Bennet at Denver International Airport on Sept. 19, 2011. The veterans happened to be on the same flight to Washington as the senator, who introduced himself. Both Scott and Fesmire were headed to the nation's capital to represent the Sierra Club during Great Outdoors America Week. Bennet, who is active in veterans affairs, and the two met again later in the week during the event. #

While at his apartment on Oct. 24, 2011, Scott looks at photographs, including one of himself, taken during his time in Iraq. "I regret coming home safely. I regret not getting seriously injured or killed. ... Sometimes innocent people got hurt and killed, but it's their fault for being in the ... way," he said. "I don't feel bad for anything I did over there -- I feel bad for what I didn't do." #

2011年10月24日，Scott翻看在伊拉克时拍摄的照片。“我后悔平安的回到了家中，后悔没有严重受伤或被杀死。有时无辜的人会被杀死，但这是他们自己的错……我在那做的事没让我觉得痛苦，我痛苦的是那些我没做的事。”

Scott looks at a photo of a dead insurgent taken during his time in Iraq. He recalled the night when his platoon was called to a firefight at a safehouse of insurgent leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, where, after arriving at 2 a.m., they fought for 15 hours. "Once we finished, we got all the enemy dead and dragged their bodies up to the road. I think we left a note, took pictures, and left their bodies there and, you know, brewed coffee in the humvee. ... I had this thought: 'Is this weird?' And we agreed that it felt like a job." #

一张照片让他想起了他们的一次行动，某天他们受命去袭击一个叛乱分子的据点，他们凌晨2点到达，战斗一直持续了15个小时。“最后所有敌人都被击毙，我们把他们的尸体拖到马路上，拍下照片然后离开，就任由尸体留在那。我们都觉得这是不是有点古怪？……这就好像是个工作。”

Having woken from a neighbor's barking dog, Scott desperately searches his phone for a number to call Animal Control on Oct. 25, 2011. Scott was anxious to enroll in a residential PTSD program at Denver's VA Medical Center and planned to go there later in the day. Scott, weighing 140 pounds -- down 45 pounds from his normal weight -- found his appetite and stress were directly related. He said he didn't even think about food and hadn't eaten very well for months. #

2011年10月25日深夜，被邻居家的狗吵醒，Scott摸索着打电话给动物控制中心。他的体重已比通常值减少了45磅，他发现自己的食欲和压力有直接联系，他已经几个月没想好好吃东西了。

Scott stands tensely in the kitchen, where his day starts with a panic attack. He said the day before was "one long panic attack" and that this day was starting out similarly. Scott said his PTSD was becoming unmanageable. "I don't know what I want. I need someone to tell me what to do," he said. He explained his panic attacks as tingling hands and feet - that his arms and legs felt detached. "I'm short of breath and my chest is tight, painfully tight." #

Scott焦虑的站在厨房，他的一天开始于另一次突然袭来的惊恐。他说他的PTSD症状已经无法控制，“我不知道我需要什么，我需要有人来告诉我怎么办。”他说症状会刺激到他的手脚，“我会呼吸急促，胸口受到压迫，非常痛苦。”

Scott smokes a cigarette before entering the VA Medical Center, where he hopes to enroll in a residential PTSD program. "I have to, or I'm gonna end up on the street talking to myself," he said. "We're ending the war in Iraq, so 40,000 more troops are coming home. That means a lot of PTSD and a lot of homeless people. I figure I better get the tools I need to live a peaceful and gratifying life." He paused, then said, "and find someone I love. I'm a good person." #

在进入退伍军人医疗中心之前，Scott在路边抽烟，他希望参加一个PTSD的治疗计划，“我必须去，否则我可能只能流浪街头了”，他自言自语，“我们结束了在伊拉克的战争，40000人回到了家里，这意味着有大量PTSD患者和无家可归者，我想要平静的生活”，他停顿了下，接着说，“然后找个人相爱，我是个不错的人。”

Scott strains to see whether his name has appeared on the board outside the pharmacy at the VA Medical Center. After talking with a counselor and a physician, he discovered he needed a referral from his psychologist to pursue the residential PTSD program. After seeing Scott's mental state, the doctor gave him a prescription for Seroquel, an antipsychotic medication. #

Scott坐在椅子上看他的名字是否显示出来。在跟大夫谈过之后，他的医生认为他不能参加PTSD的治疗计划，但给他开了处方，进行抗精神病的药物治疗。

Scott rests on his bus ride home. "I was terrified. I couldn't control my own thoughts. ... The next step was hearing voices and then doing something that I could never take back," he said. When he found he needed a referral from his psychologist to enroll in the program, Scott settled instead for an antipsychotic medication. "I don't remember much until right after I saw the doctors," he said. "And 30 minutes later, when the medication started kicking in, I was instantly hungry. I was instantly relaxed. I could feel all the tension, all the pain that I was holding onto in my upper back, and my stomach muscles were sore from shaking." #

Jibby greets Scott as he arrives home. Though he wasn't able to enroll in the residential PTSD program he was interested in, he learned how to get accepted: follow his mental-health program and prove his seriousness about his recovery. "Thank God for the VA," Scott said. "I'm so glad they're there." #

Scott的狗迎接他回家，虽然没能参加PTSD的治疗计划，但他已经逐渐学会了接受一切。

Scott waits in the emergency room at Denver's VA Medical Center to turn himself in for inpatient care on Nov. 4, 2011. He returned to the center after a week with the same problems. "I'm back in the same place I was before. I'm having nightmares about the war. I had to take two Seroquel just to get up this morning." He called the VA earlier that day and told them he was going to kill himself or someone else. Scott stayed in inpatient treatment for a week. "The first 72 hours was mandatory because of what I was saying. The rest was because I wasn't ready to leave." #

2011年11月4日，Scott坐在急诊中心外，过去一周他一直受关于战争的噩梦困扰，他觉得他有自杀或者伤害人的倾向。Scott在医院住院治疗一周，“前72小时是强制性的，剩下的时间是我自愿留下的，因为我觉得我还没准备好离开。”

Scott makes one last attempt at a wall climb before leaving The Spot Bouldering Gym in Boulder on Veterans Day 2011. "That's it. I'm done. I'm beat," he said. He'd been out of the inpatient treatment at the VA Medical Center for just over a day. Before he went into the program, he'd taken up rock climbing with passion. "I had a great day. I had a fantastic day. It's the first time in a long time I felt like myself. It felt good," he said. Scott said consistent physical training was missing from his life, and that as a Marine, that consistency and training is important. "Marines need pain and physical activity to be happy people -- you've got to punish your body in order to survive." #

Scott drives through Boulder in his truck, which he adorns with a Marine battalion flag twice a year -- Veterans Day and Memorial Day. Scott said he often struggles with the pride he feels, or wants to feel, for his service in the Marines. "You have to ignore certain things or make peace with them. That's what I'm struggling with. All I ask is you let me enjoy what I did over there. Let me be proud of it. I feel like I'm part of something no one agrees with." #

Scott每年会用海军陆战队营旗装饰他的卡车两次——退伍军人节和阵亡将士纪念日。他时常纠结于是否应该为曾经加入海军陆战队而感到骄傲。

Scott shakes hands and talks with fellow veteran Mike Butler at C.B. & Potts restaurant in Broomfield on Nov. 11, 2011. Veterans drank for free, and Scott was happy to find someone to talk with. Butler said he was a staff sergeant in the Air Force and served in the Persian Gulf War. #

Scott packs his bags at his apartment on Dec. 23, 2011, after being accepted into the PTSD Residential Rehabilitation Program at Denver's VA Medical Center. "I'm really excited about going into this program," he said. He packed minimally -- pants, T-shirts, toiletries, medication and his computer. "I'm gonna get some skills that will last me the rest of my life. Relationship skills, coping skills -- I'll learn to be aware of my triggers." #

2011年12月23日，Scott被通知他被接纳参加他一直希望加入的PTSD治疗计划。“我非常高兴可以参与这个计划”，他说。他正在整理需要带去医院的东西，“我会从中学到很多技能，我的余生将受益于此。”

After spending Christmas with friend and fellow veteran Chris Fesmire in South Park, Scott arrives at Denver's VA Medical Center on Dec. 26, 2011. Having followed his psychologist's advice to continue individual and group therapy sessions, gain stability with his medications and quit smoking marijuana, Scott said he felt better. "Eventually you get to a point where you just ... break down," he said. "The only other option is to put a hand out and ask for help." #

在跟朋友聚会之后，2011年12月26日，Scott抵达开展PTSD治疗计划的医学中心。“最终你会达到一个让你崩溃的临界点”，他说，“唯一的选择就是放开手，接受帮助。”

Scott takes a deep breath after checking in to the PTSD Residential Rehabilitation Program. "This may sound superficial, but I hope my nightmares go away. I'm tired of dreaming about Iraq. ... I'd rather dream about ... girls and water slides," he said. Scott said his fellow soldiers helped him to cope with his life while he was in Iraq. "I guess I could say this year was the worst year of my life because I wasn't constantly surrounded by my brothers. Iraq was ... horrible, but at least I had my family there with me. ... Next year is going to be much better. I mean ... life's already looking up, you know?" #

完成加入PTSD治疗计划的手续之后，Scott深吸一口气。“这可能听起来肤浅，但我希望摆脱我的噩梦。我厌倦了曾经梦寐以求的伊拉克……我现在宁可幻想……女人和游乐场。伊拉克太可怕了，但至少我还有我的家人在我身边。接下来的一年一切都会好起来，新生活就在眼前。”